Dec

Realisation

Life happens whether we want it to or not. We get sick when we least expect it, we do well at work when we think everything is going wrong, and we let people leave our lives whether we truly want them to go or not. Except, in all three instances, we open our eyes to reality and what that reality means to us.

One person’s reality is waking up to a rotten underpaid job struggling for rent money, whereas another’s is putting on their Prada suit and hopping on the next private jet to Destination Unknown. What we, as a race, fail to remember is that no matter what reality that person exists in, there’s still hurdles they must overcome. Maybe the jet is running late or someone somewhere has just smashed their Rolex but whatever, it’s life and it’s happening.

I’m currently on my fourth month of wondering what’s going on with my body, and in my fourth year of truly trying to discover who the f*ck I am. Up until recently, I’d say that my best quality was listening. Understanding how people are feeling and helping them talk out their issues. However, sometimes, we must be made aware that in a bid to help others, we often lose sight of life’s real importance. Our life’s importance – our reality. We can focus almost exclusively on one person, or one situation that we forget that other people exist at all.

Recently, I fell in love with the book E-Squared by Pam Grout. It acted as my spiritual guide in a time where I felt completely lost. I urge anyone who feels lonely or disheartened by their life to give it a read. Trust me, it works if you open your mind and heart to it. Through the book, you are encouraged to try social experiments to prove that we ultimately have a say over what happens to us and we create our own reality. I honestly believe this to be true. However, what the book fails to incorporate is that everyone is actually looking for the same thing and that’s somebody to be there.

Yet it beautifully illustrates exactly why some things just don’t work, no matter how hard we wish or try. And it also allows you to feel great comfort in the fact that everything happens for a reason. Life isn’t easy, mine isn’t, yours isn’t, Britney Spears’ isn’t but it’s what you make of your reality that will help make it easier.

I haven’t written on this for a long time, but if there’s one thing I hope to pass on as we draw to the end of 2016 is that life happens whether we want it to or not, and whatever you do, before it’s ever too late, make sure you make the best of your reality.

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Nov

Sadomasochist’s of Love 2: A Contradiction

The same reason I love train journeys happens to be the same reason I resent them. Staring out at the English countryside resonates feelings of imminent alienation from the norm of the hustle and bustle of city life.

After spending a hefty ten days in the North at my family home, I have finally rested and recovered from my pain-inducing writer’s block (or so I hope!)

Although you’re reading this post typed, it was actually written traditionally with pen and paper as I always find that ink has a weird way of opening your minds and freeing your emotions – far easier than staring at a backlit screen.

I revelled in some great feedback regarding my first post on whether we are sadomasochists of love and as many of you agreed, we are leaning that way. Now I wanted to add to my initial thoughts as a way of comprehending recent developments and in hope of putting any current negativity to bed – once and for all.

A friend of mine always creates a game out of my posts and tries to guess who each piece is aimed toward; but, I wanted to make it clear that although my work is placed on life experience, this is a neutral post about coping no more.

I sit here and wonder how many times the words “I can’t do this anymore” have been relayed to me. And how many occasions my heart has seemed to collapse into my stomach. Any of you will know the sick feeling you get when you hopelessly can do no more. This emotion can be explained by a sense of pain but in actual fact, the pain which has ensued is coming to an end. You’re saving yourself from the inevitable. It’s an act of emotional survival not self-deprecation.

I’m always cursed with being called “heartless”, “cold”, and “uncaring” but anyone who truly knows me will see that a facade can make you believe a 1000-wrong things – after all, your wall is there for a reason. I am in actual fact (and this is hard to admit), the biggest worrier out of al my friends. Someone will say something and I’ll still be dwelling over it weeks later – another form of Sadomasochism.

One of my flaws however is definitely my inability to not carry baggage. Over a recent family dispute, my parents shouted, “If you have a problem in your personal life – although you don’t talk about it, everyone will know!” Not only does this show how easily I feel pain but also how ready I am to accept and hone that pain for longer than needs necessary.

But I want to contradict my previous argument and state that if we were all sadomasochists of love, we wouldn’t ever reach the conclusion that enough may actually be enough. A rational voice of maturity steps in at some point and states the deadly words “I can’t do this anymore” (we’re all guilty of saying it!). Maybe we shouldn’t feel guilty but empowered as although initialy life feels tough, you’re protecting yourself and your emotions from any longterm pain.

The amount of times recently I’ve heard myself say – “Yeah but what if we’re supposed to be together”, “what if it’s our only chance?” Rule number 1 of letting go – stop the what if’s – because if it was supposed to work out, it should have. You’re just becoming a slave to the chaos and accepting familiar grief over new and changing alone-ness (note: NOT loneliness).

I think the hardest part to letting go is the case of forgetting familiarity and actually you crave the pain far easier than accepting the change. This is a weak characteristic of human nature. One which should be eradicated instead of championed through Hollywood romance – news flash, you don’t wallow in self pity then remarkably become okay and the love of your life finds you again (… unless you’re lucky).

In Italy, on my travels this summer, I met a New York – Italian named Alfie and a guy from Napoli called Pepe. They were chalk and cheese but the uniting factor of their friendship was their ability to spot drama 100 miles away and run in the opposite direction. Pepe had recently left his wife and moved from their relatively new family home in Paris back to find his heart in Naples. One evening, over too many cocktails and hash in Shanti Musik Bar (Naples), he said to me:

“I love that woman (his wife) with all my heart but my heart itself is too precious to be with one person so instead it lies with every single person who lives here in Naples. Naples is my heart.”

A location doesn’t have to be your heart, but your heart needs a purpose to live longer, laugh harder and love more (or again).

Alfie on the other hand was just the right amount of beautiful to make you turn pink and the right amount of charming to make your heart melt. At 42, he showed the youth and vitality of a schoolboy in “love” for the first time. He told me,

“Your stare is too powerful to be bothered by love, isn’t it? You’ve got too much going on behind your eyes to be tied down. You probably won’t understand this yet, but you will.”

Alfie had never given his heart to anyone, he refused to allow any person the right to dictate his life. Trading in love for sex doesn’t always seem right but if his smile was fake, he sure fooled me.

Alfie and Pepe were perhaps two of the most special and inspiring people I will ever meet and even if our time together was brief, their words will be imprinted on my memory forever.

I don’t know how I feel in this current moment leaving yet another “love” behind but I know how I want to feel and that’s happy and empowered. You can’t blame yourself for things going wrong and you can’t punish yourself with wild emotions. It’s all too easy to fall into a life of pain without someone physically putting you there. And what’s more, there’s too much pressure on us to fall in love with somebody else – why not fall in love with yourself first? –

How fabulous would it be to give Samantha Jones’ line of –

“I love you. I just love me more”

Instead of the old, “I can’t do this anymore”.

If we were all sadomasochists of love, we’d never let go of things not right for us and then there’d be no one worth aspiring to. Life is the greatest lesson of all and right now, I’m going to make the love and pain wait.

Oct

Uninspired and Disinterested

It’s not like me to have nothing to say, or zero inspiration behind writing any posts. And, in all honesty, it really is the greatest punishment for a writer to experience writer’s block at such an important time of the year. Yet I sit here deflated and disinterested in writing about anything I’ve been doing recently – including the brilliant Louis Vuitton Series 3 Exhibition, the stunning Freize London Art Fair, and the disappointing Mademoiselle Prive Exhibition currently at the Saatchi Gallery. Although I’ve passed a justified opinion on all the events, I still remain faced with a hypothetical shadow of impending darkness – keeping me from seeing the light and writing!

I think I can lay part of the blame on the difficult and incredibly stressful few weeks which have come to characterise my life in London. Spending hours rushing about in uncomfortable shoes, letting tubes pass by the dozen in a hurried morning commute, and having seriously bad skin from the big cloud of pollution which both harrows my life and London town.

“London is the loneliest city”

And to that – I must agree. I sit here typing alone in my living room with the fire for warmth and the TV for conversation – a materialistic answer to friendship and love. Yet, at this point in my life, I see no alternative. It is ridiculous that I am now at an age where it is commonplace to watch my friends become engaged, get married, have children or buy their first houses. I sit here with 50 pairs of fabulous shoes, a stockpile of work and a hefty credit card bill (…and my fire and TV!).

So I wondered whether my disinterested aura can be related to this complicated, unsettling time of my life. And to further that, is my writing suffering from being caught in a realm of ‘No man’s land’?

I was recently told that I’m the most “heartless person” someone has ever met – claiming that I’m cold and ungrateful toward people who “love me and care for me the most” – except, after overthinking these allegations, I conclude that quite often it’s important for us as writers to keep that straight-laced, distant mind-frame from stopping us longing for the same future as everyone around us. Because, in today’s society, it really does seem to be a choice – Family or Career?

A close friend, whom I visited at the weekend, remarked, “Don’t worry about that Pheebs – you’re a career woman!” Why does that feel like such a punishment?

I don’t have time to pander to people who don’t support me during this time, and I refuse to panic about what the future of love and life holds for me, because I’m swamped by tons of work and meetings, and drowning in this sea of no-inspiration. To be quite frank, the whole “family vs. career” feels self-deprecating – yet impossible for me to juggle both.

I’ve experienced hurt and heartbreak, and in a McQueen fashion, it helped my writing 10-fold, except despite claiming we are all sadomasochists of love, I refuse to be a sadomasochist of avoidable pain so right now, I have to prioritise my life decisions and allow other worries to live and let be.

I’m struggling to find the right words for any post, and this one has been one of my hardest – I need the inspiration behind my posts to get creative, and lately a mixture of the wrong people and wasted time has left me uninspired and disinterested…

Oct

“I’d Rather be a Rebel than a Slave”

Yikes – Where to begin? Well ladies – women in the limelight (especially you Meryl Streep) should be careful just what you’re posting online nowadays! “I’d rather be a rebel than a slave” is kind of the same as saying, I’m proud of my “weakness” because I’m glad I don’t have yours.

The quote was said supposedly by Emilie Pankhurst (a famous suffragette) during an impassioned speech at a London rally in 1913 – but I think historical context plays an important role here. Pankhurst meant she didn’t want to be bound by the rules of inequality (where men have more rights than women) but in today’s, arguably, “fairer” world – readers are drawn to understand the word “slave” to denote an imprisoned black male/female, whom stereotypically works for a wealthy white family. (We’ve all seen 12 Years a Slave, right?)

However – although the grammar is off key – there are multiple issues with this promotion shoot for the women’s new film “Suffragette”:

All four women (left to right), Carey Mulligan, Meryl Streep, Romola Garai, and Anne-Marie Duff are white and therefore there is no fairly-equal racial context to the T-shirts
Henceforth, the shirts are likening sexism to racism – making them one of the same thing, almost equals or inextricably linked
The women aren’t part of a 1913 Women’s Rights rally but rather are taking place in a highly produced fashion shoot promoting their new movie
In turn, they are taking away the importance of equality (both gender and race focused) and are using the shirts to promote a film for corporation purposes

We don’t have an inspiring set of women here – what we have is four wealthy white women perpetuating the idea that racism and sexism are one of the same thing, promoting a film with references to slavery. This isn’t OK and as many twitter users are pointing out – “Meryl should have known better!”

The film has already been slammed for not highlighting the fact that Black women were not given rights too in the UK and US and this T-shirt promotion isn’t helping the film’s wicked backlash from critics. Of course, the efforts of the movement on the whole should be celebrated. And yes, the quote was said 100 years ago, in a very different time and context. But that doesn’t negate the fact that to put it on a t-shirt today is to reinforce its underlying message which one Twitter user, Miz Jenkins, so eloquently spelled out:

Oct

Are we as humans becoming Sadomasochists of Love?

This post deviates slightly from my traditional entries which focus primarily on fashion, but, as I am freelancing alongside my MA at CSM I am going to use my home-blog as a lifestyle bureau which will focus on the questions I have personally throughout my day.

Yesterday I found out some news which threw me unexpectedly into a state of complete shock and without even a second thought, I spent the entire day moping around my London flat and avoided human contact at all costs. I was almost forcing myself to feel miserable, rather than my emotions making me feel that way – I guess, you could argue, it is a form of very weak Sadomasochism.

In my sado-state, I started to watch a film called ‘Burton & Taylor’ which explored the fiery love story between Richard Burton and Elizabeth Taylor. I became instantly entranced by both the passion behind their history together but mostly (and I don’t want to sound like Carrie Bradshaw but…) “I couldn’t help but wonder” are humans becoming Sadomasochists in Love?

Burton and Taylor shared a turbulent relationship, through which they managed to get married and divorced twice. When the couple decided to work together once more on a play called ‘Private Lives’, spectators bought tickets just to see whether the pair would get back together for the third time. Alcoholism, abuse and drugs summarised their relationship, and after much pain, Taylor stopped turning up for their performance and Burton went to Las Vegas to marry his then-girlfriend Sally Hay.

One of Burton’s theatrical mentors, the Shakespearean actor and director Sir Anthony Quayle, was convinced that the strain imposed on Burton by the reunion with Taylor destroyed his failing health. He died from a brain haemorrhage eight months later. When Taylor was informed of his death, she fainted and swore she would never love anyone the same way again – despite being married and divorced eight different times!

This story transfixes me – I am obsessed by their irrational love and the pain that came to characterise their relationship, but I am in another way jealous of the intimacy and the very fact that I personally have never experienced anything so consuming. Does that make my need for love Sadomasochist?

According to Psychology Today, Sadomasochism can be best explained as follows:

Sadomasochism can be defined as the giving or receiving of pleasure, often sexual, from the infliction or reception of pain or humiliation. It can feature as an enhancement to sexual pleasure, or, in some cases, as a substitute or sine qua non. The infliction of pain is used to incite sexual pleasure, while the simulation of violence can serve to form and express attachment.

Interestingly, PT also quotes:

Consensual sadomasochism should not be confounded with acts of sexual aggression. Moreover, while sadomasochists seek out pain and humiliation in the context of love and sex, they do not do so in other situations and dislike simple, unfettered violence or abuse as much as the next person.

This is exactly why my question is centred around whether we are Sadomasochists in LOVE – not in LIFE. Put simply, in a modern world where gender roles are changing and transforming, are we still satisfied by the traditional “comfortable” family vibe where the relationship is founded on loyalty, or do we now crave a more passion-pain fuelled future?

I decided to look for answers from close-friend and Social Psychologist Catherine Talbot who focuses her research primarily on self-harm and the role of social media in promoting eating disorders. She comments:

In regards to pain, I personally relate it to self-harm. It somehow gives you control over one little thing when everything else is so dynamic. Or maybe, as humans, we are in a state of constant doubt – we aren’t good enough, “I don’t deserve this”, and thus unconsciously we make decisions or take actions which are damaging to ourselves.

Much in the same way that the most common excuse of self-harm is to regain control of our lives, I think we crave pain in love as a way of controlling our destiny with that person. Psychology tells us that our brain craves certainty, as a sense of uncertainty about the future generates a strong threat or ‘alert sense’ in your limbic system. Your brain detects something is wrong, and your ability to focus on other issues diminishes. Your brain doesn’t like uncertainty – it’s like a type of pain, something to be avoided. “Certainty on the other hand feels rewarding, and we tend to steer toward it, even when it might be better for us to remain uncertain.” (Click for more)

However this doesn’t help us explain why relationships such as Marilyn Monroe’s and Bobby Kennedy’s are glamourised in a fashion that makes readers crave the same type of love shared between Burton and Taylor – what we are in fact craving is uncertainty and pain, not loyalty and consistency which we as humans are programmed to want to attain. Yet, we can’t ignore couples such as Beyonce and Jay Z and the Beckhams who hit headlines for the very reason that they are the “perfect pairs”. I worry that I care far too little about them and find the turmoil much more gripping.

If you have ever started an argument pointlessly or enjoy the chase, like feeling empowered or as though the cards are in your favour (anything which denotes an uncertain-unhealthy relationship) then you could theoretically be considered a Masochist of Love – much in the same way I am. After numerous failing relationships and flings, and hitting ‘rock bottom’, the tables have turned and I now remain reserved and ruthless whilst enjoying the pain of rejection or abandonment. In a kind of sickening way, it reminds you that you’re alive – even if it did inevitably kill Richard Burton. I stayed in bed all day yesterday for the simple fact that I wanted to feel hopeless – yet, when I questioned myself later “Are you really this depressed about the situation?” – I wasn’t whatsoever.

It is a natural emotion to have those days where you enjoy doing nothing but to put yourself through pointless pain struck me as Sadomasochist and made me question to what extent do we lust for a tumultuous addictive relationship over a stable, secure one?

As Elizabeth Taylor best summarises:

“I was a fool to marry so often,” she said. “If I had my time over again, I would never do that. The truth is I now don’t give a damn about most of those men. Richard is the only one I truly loved and still care about. I shall miss him until the day I die.”

Whether we are conscious of it or not, do we seek to cause ourselves more pain than is actually needed? Arguably, we could all be called Sadomasochists of Love at some point or another. Is that worrying for the future of relationships, especially now 50 shades of Grey is called a “modern-day Love Story”…?

My Not So Fair Lady xox

Aug

Is Lagerfeld misinformed about the modern woman?

After sneakily forcing my mother to buy me the new, and quite overly-priced, Porter (Fall edition) magazine, I stumbled across the fiftieth piece covering Lagerfeld and his celebratory 50 years as the creative director of Fendi. The octogenarian is quoted to have a “timeless modern appeal” but I worry that too many years designing has caused him to be misinformed about the qualities of a modern woman?

Now, firstly, I want to clarify that I am in no way suggesting I know more about fashion or women’s appeal than Karl himself, having been the creative director of Fendi and Chanel, plus his own household name – except, a quote by the man himself actually startled and paused my open-minded outlook and made me instantly jump to write this blog piece.

(Page 103) of Porter magazine:

“Don’t be a victim. You can be sweet and nice, but don’t be weak. Otherwise you become a stupid victim. I prefer toughness to girlieness. The Fendi woman is strong and modern, she is no romantic.” – Karl Lagerfeld

I would like to suggest that I believe the fashion God himself, is incorrect. What resonates most strongly in the quotation, for me, is how he too simply dismisses the very idea that a strong and modern woman could ever be romantic. I guess the very same question Carrie Bradshaw asks in one of her Sex columns, “Has feminism killed romance?” in the 1994 series has come back around 21 years later with strong modern connotations.

Being a feminist myself, and even recently turning down a high-salary job in Dubai due to the country’s lack of women’s rights, I would beg to differ with both Lagerfeld and Bradshaw, and suggest that feminism would never kill romance, because feminism hasn’t changed femininity.

When a woman becomes a mother, she instantly goes from being her own person to her own person plus the child – she adapts and develops into a two-sided coin – needing to be herself, plus the brain of another human. In theory, the mother becomes alpha. Whenever a woman is offered a high-paying job or senior position, she is then in charge of the many numerous men and women below her – again, in practicality, she is alpha. The same goes for women in leadership positions worldwide – from care-workers to fashion designers – no matter what her career or lifestyle, she is alpha of her own destiny. Do those women, celebrating their own personal successes, not deserve romance? Instead they must be strong and modern, but “never ever be romantic”?

That makes it seem like a woman must choose by ultimatum, like the Genie asks you from Aladdin, except you get only one wish out of two choices;

So – what’s it gonna be Al, huh? Love or Money?

Why can’t it be both?

Because modernity says so.

If that’s the case, I’m not so sure I want to be a modern woman. See – I’m a sucker for love stories, hearing about first dates, chivalry, love songs, poetry, opera, musicals, ballet – the whole traditional ‘love’ scene, and I’d be lying if I said I didn’t look for love myself. In fact, I think that’s what makes me a modern woman – unlike in the olden days (as I’ve come to know through films), women are proactively taking that leap of faith and searching for love themselves. Whether it be through dating sites, or making wedding proposals, or being the breadwinner of the family – they aren’t waiting anymore for a guy to approach them whilst they are sat alone at a bar, nor are they expecting the man to do so. Surely the “strength” and “toughness” of a woman in love nowadays is the same very essence that makes her “modern” in the first place.

I can only imagine the amount of broken hearts my readers have experienced, or the shabby first dates, or the nerve-racking “taking him home to your family only for them not to like him” – but, believe me when I say that doesn’t make you a “stupid victim” – it merely makes you a woman. And what Lagerfeld is doing is stripping a woman of all her feminine-like qualities and reducing her to a level unfathomable to any person who actually wants love in their life, and to be loved.

Of all the things to fall ‘victim’ to in today’s increasingly feeble world, being a ‘victim’ of love doesn’t make you any less of a modern woman, in fact it makes you more. Because, every single day you wake up feeling like it’s the end of the world, you’re fifty times stronger than any other woman who has never taken that romantic leap in the first place.

I am girly, but I am strong and modern, and what’s more – I’m proud to say I am a romantic. Does that not make me a Fendi woman, Karl? Then so be it.

My Not So Fair Lady xox

Jun

Perspective

I’ve been meaning to write this post for a while – and, ironically, despite publishing it on my blog site for my 1000s of readers, I need to write this blog so I know how I feel about this particular ‘perspective’.

The last few weeks I’ve been on the longest emotional rollercoaster to date and with it, I have felt grief (the kind of grief you feel when someone close to you dies), I have felt sorrow (being so upset that it almost physically hurts) and in many ways, I have welcomed enlightenment through a fresh perspective. Bare with me…

Only a few hours ago, a friend came to me with a problem and before getting into the thick of it, she responded with “Oh! I’m sorry… my issues aren’t half as problematic as yours. I’ll shut up. How are you?”. I guess, in a way, I felt sickened that she’d already written off her problems as secondary in importance, and in turn, it made me feel as though I was lacking as her friend. I simply replied with, “well that’s a matter of perspective.” And indeed – it was.

Another friend said to me that she had finally found someone she feels she can settle down with. I just know that she had a toothy geeky grin typing to me about her dates with “the one”. I kept asking her questions and before she had even got to answering them, she (alike to my other friend) stopped, and said “oh my – I’m so sorry – I wasn’t trying to make you feel bad. How are you?”.

Many people would think that after going through a break up, you don’t want to see happy couples, and the thought of seeing everyone around you becomes gut wrenchingly painful but I am too, incredibly adamant, that it is just a matter of perspective. Little did my lovestruck friend know that I wanted nothing more in that moment to hear all about her latest lush, and what new qualities and experiences he’d brought to her life. I was lost in her descriptions of her “perfect gentlemen” and without any trace of sadness or jealousy, I was purely happy for her.

I understand that this post can be a little muddling for most of my readers, as not many of you know me personally – but I aimed for this post to try and simplify issues in people’s daily lives and encourage you to feel enriched by all experiences – sad or otherwise.

I have just read a book by Gregory David Roberts called ‘Shantaram’ which follows the authors journey whom actually escaped from an Australian prison and sought refuge in India. Through his travels, he falls in love, joins the Mafia, and makes many mistakes – including relapsing into his heroin addiction, and going to war in Afghanistan. If you don’t like deep books – then perhaps I wouldn’t recommend. But – for me, the book is my survival bible – it has opened my mind, and most importantly, my heart to the wonders of life and what it has to offer. In the book, the author offers a fresh perspective of what it means to truly love everyone around you, your surroundings and the qualities of life. It sheds light on how true happiness comes when you are completely at ease with yourself and your chosen path.

This throws into question the next few years of my life. Although I have a generous scholarship offer for my Masters, I can’t help but think that time away from England, travelling and exploring, may offer a fresh perspective also. I will never forget what someone said to me at a party once, “Travelling expands the mind and what’s more, you see colours you didn’t even knew existed. How do you go on in life with the ignorance of colours?” So – I guess what I’m saying is, I want a perspective of a plethora of colours – to truly understand and connect with everyone I meet.

Life isn’t about materialistic beings and in the past few months, I’ve come to appreciate that. I know I rant about fashion and the latest trends, but once you strip someone bare of their beings and leave them with their necessities – you see the true qualities of those people and allow their personal attributes to shine. And despite having my belongings stripped of me, and no beautiful house in the best part of Bath to my name, nor a boyfriend and a set future path – I couldn’t be more content. Because in my warped version of what it means to be happy, I’ve found solidarity in myself. Allowing myself to be so desperately lost that I will inevitably be found. Life has a funny way of punishing you, which will later lead to your greatest reward.

In Eat, Pray, Love, there is always a line which resonates with me strongly and that is “whenever you miss something or someone, send love and light their way and then let it go”. And that’s exactly what i’m doing as I mourn the end of the last part of my life. I am sending love and light to every single person who made the last three years so perfect that it’s hard to say goodbye. And isn’t that life’s greatest gift of all – spoiling you so greatly with your opportunities and experiences that, even as evolving creatures, we still find it impossible to say goodbye.

Except, with the greatest perspective and the one, most feared by all, we find contentment and excitement in change – which I’m beginning to welcome, with every dawning day.

MNSFL xox

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Jun

A Sense of Place

I recently came home to the gloomy depths of Yorkshire, to drop some of my things back home for move out day and to celebrate my sisters 15th birthday. Whilst here, my sister is frantically trying to finish her final Art GCSE, entitled ‘a sense of place’ in which she told me, quite rightly, that she is speaking about home and the love for her home-life. She mentioned how different objects personify people, and she is going to draw our family through various day-to-day still life pieces. It got me thinking, about what it means to have a ‘sense of place’ – whether someone adopts it or, instead, we just wake up one day feeling completely at one with ourselves and our surroundings.

As I leave my humble abode in the sunny, glorious, and often defined as “majestic” home in Bath, I can’t help but remember saying to my friends that, “my heart is in bath and always will be”. Except, now, although it provided me comfortable homage for the biggest and hardest learning curve of my life at university, I must admit that the quizzical depths of the phrase ‘a sense of place’ has made me feel both excited, and nervous for the future.

Anyone who knows me will say that I’m always on a mighty quest to find myself, to understand exactly what I want and don’t want – I’m the type of person who ticks all the boxes on those buzzfeed quizzes entitled “are you indecisive?” – Yes, yes and…. I think, but I’m not sure, yes (if you get the pun). An ex-boyfriend once criticised me with saying I was too fickle and I never knew what I want, “how can anyone be happy with you when you’re not happy with yourself?”

Well in essence, yes. Except, I know that I want the new season Valentino shoes, and I know that I would readily accept a Chanel clutch and a Balmain studded jacket – I just don’t know where, in the greater picture of things, me and my life (and my always evolving personality) fit into things. And although I will hold Bath as a place close to my heart, I’ve come to realise in the past few months, that perhaps who I really am and my sense of place has been with me all along.

In less than three weeks, I will be taking off to spend the summer in Italy – travelling from North to South, exploring new places, welcoming their native culture and enjoying lavish food and drink. It’s a celebratory chapter to the end of my three years in Bath, and being in a long-term relationship, but more importantly, it’s a welcoming to a new beginning which will define who I am for the rest of my life. You only really know where your sense of place is when you remove yourself from your comfort zone and work outside those confinements – I was so so certain that I wanted a house in Bath and to live the fairytale dream of happily ever after – perhaps even in the countryside? Where my kids can have fun and be safe from the urban life?! Except, that same ex quoted, “Phoebe, you’re a city girl… who just appreciates a good field.” And he couldn’t be more right (which is a first, believe me).

So I’m uprooting my life, leaving my friends and letting go of old memories and boyfriends and moving to the big city of London to start my MA in Fashion Journalism. Swapping long walks down canals for stuffy tube rides, and quiet drinks on an evening, with fighting for your place at the bar. Yet, what both settles and encourages me to start afresh and move forward is the simple fact that my “sense of place” isn’t in a certain location, or with a particular person, nor is it in the ‘home’ like my sister insisted, but rather, it’s deep-rooted in my writing and my perception of the world, including my life within it. To put simply, my heart and sense of being can be found wherever I am free to write – just like I am now. Happy, full of content and gratitude for those that have supported me, I’m developing as a person and I just might be learning to love myself once and for all.

My Not So Fair Lady xox

p.s. I will be setting off a conjoining blog to track my time in Italy, from fashion to lifestyle, follow me of my journey around the country of love! Will post a link in the next blog post.

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Apr

10 Ways to Spring Clean your Life

After recently coming out of a 2 and a half year relationship and having the standard girl break down – crying ridiculously to laughing hysterically, from burning pictures to hugging his clothes (OK – that one was a lie!) I thought I’d put together a small post, mainly aimed at anyone looking to refresh their minds and wake up with a new outlook on life, here are my 10 ways to ‘spring clean’ your life.

1. Exercise and eat healthily

It’s very natural to feel cranky and down, and like the world won’t go on – but exercise, whether you like it or not, is perhaps one of the best forms of learning how to cope with stress! I like to focus my efforts on running (generally down the canals with no music – to take in the nature) and yoga (as studies have shown that yogi’s are more likely to solve issues quicker as the brain is trained to get into the various stretching positions).

Doing exercise also increases your metabolism, gets you in shape and releases those all important endorphins which gives you drive to keep going! You need to eat healthy to be healthy as you are what you eat after all! Stock up on lots of fruit and vegetables and give your body the detox it requires! Once you do this, you can start to heal and become the very best version of yourself.

This of course doesn’t mean “never indulge” as writing this now, I am munching away on a creme egg – it’s important to create a balance your body needs to heal and refresh.

2. Learn how to say “No”

It’s not a crime to say “no” – even if you don’t have anything better to do! I think we live in a demanding world nowadays which mostly requires us to be adaptable and say “yes” to almost anyone and everything! So when you have the conscious choice, decide if you REALLY want to do something and if you don’t, just say…

3. Take some time out for YOU

So if you’ve been brave enough to take the plunge and say “no” – how about you take some time out for YOU? And what you want to do – not what others want you to do! When in a relationship, you learn to live together and be inseparable constantly, by doing this, we lose a sense of who we are what we bring to the table. By forgetting these simple things, we start to lose a sense of who we are as individuals. This is most definitely one of the hardest ways to “spring clean” your life as you have to rediscover yourself and learn that being alone doesn’t mean you’re lonely.

Light some candles, take a bath, read a book, or just sit in tranquility. Learn what makes you YOU and learn to love it again.

4. Get Tidy!

If you haven’t already – spring clean your home or living space. Clear out the nostalgic memorabilia and throw away your old things that you’re just keeping because you’re a secret hoarder! Throw out the old magazines and organise your things efficiently. Getting organised is one of the best things to clear your mind. If you start working afresh, you will start thinking the same way – so take a deep breath, and throw that rubbish OUT!

Keep the fabulous fashion magazines of course! They don’t need to go unloved!!

5. Make time for your girlfriends

Last night, I went out with my closest girlfriend and some unlikely friends and had the best night in ages. It was refreshingly fabulous for us girls to be on the town – looking and feeling great with our wine jackets on! When you are so used to being with someone, you’re so used to being a two that you forget you’re a one – and you as a one, should have friends that you as a two don’t! So make time for those girlfriends, because you’ll be needing them even more when you least expect to!

It’s very important to get rid of any negative “friends” you have during this period, those that cause you stress or multiple drama, simply remove. Life is far too short to spend time catering for peoples needs who would never do the same visa versa. You know understand why people say “If you can count your friends on one hand – you’re lucky!’. Make space for new friendships and welcome people in readily – you never know what surprises they might bring!

6. Remove negative energy

There’s always going to be something wrong, someone breaking up, someone poorly, someone more poor etc… You need to remove the negative energy in your life otherwise you won’t have adequate room for the positive energy you need to be letting in! Readily accept new energy and make sure you’re exerting the right kind of energy to the right people! The world is just a giving and taking and lending of various energy – we as bodies and humans are just that!! So don’t allow too much negativity to take over – you don’t want to be that annoying friend who only ever talks about one thing! You’re far better than that.

7. Stop feeling sorry for yourself

I’m hugely guilty of this and it needs to stop! You’re going to be OKAY – there will be many broken hearts and fallen tears before the end of your time, so I suggest you just stop feeling sorry for yourself and think of the positive things which could come out this change in your life. This is interlinked hugely with the negative energy post. When we go through things in life, we can’t get down at every hurdle – the race would never end if we did. It’s time to get up and move on, with a happy approachable face.

8. Be YOU

I love this one – you need to learn to be YOU. No one else – if you want to have long green hair, wear turtle necks with Hunter wellies and a black bandana then go for it. No one should be judging! If the next day, you wake up and you want to have black short hair, wear ear piercings and call yourself Shania then that’s fine too. I think no one should be critical of how you want to be you – and if they are, then so what! We’ve removed all that negative energy anyway. It’s all about YOU from now on, so experiment and find out who you are and if it works, then great, and if it doesn’t, just change until it does!

9. Don’t be critical of the lives of others

And if you’re doing exactly what you’re doing – then remember that others are doing that too. If they want to go to the pub every weekend, or have seven wives, do drugs and go through mid-life crises’ then FINE. Who are we to judge anyway? Even if it’s part of human nature to do so. With your fresh mind and new outlook on life, you shouldn’t care about what other people are doing.

You don’t like who they are and what they do? Fine. Remove them from your life, but always remember, we must accept the differences in people and let them be.

Note: This does NOT imply that anyone cruel, manipulative or upsetting should be part of your life because “it’s who they are”. This ISNT who we are – this is an example of the type of energy we don’t want in our world because ultimately, this leads to self-destruction.

10. Let go.

OK so guys – this is the biggie. The ultimate deal breaker, the end of the spring clean of your life. This is the last hurdle, which naturally is much higher than any of the others. It requires letting go and closing the door on a huge part of your life. Whether you’ve gone through a personal tragedy, a loss of a loved one, or simply going through a break up – we have to learn to let go. When I speak about my break up, I always say, “but we were together for so long” and in essence, yes, except there’s plenty of things in our life that are going to go on for a long time, and if we never learn to let go – we will never know what’s waiting around the corner.

We need to accept the difficulties we face and the turmoil/upset which comes our way as a repercussion, but we do need to understand and value fate and what the future brings. So have a little cry, indulge in some Ben and Jerry’s, sit down and contemplate – but eventually – you will have to let go. And when it’s done, it’s done. You’re going to wish you did it a lot sooner.

Your WHOLE life awaits you… and remember…

My Not So Fair Lady xox

Mar

Behind every strong man is a powerful woman

Yesterday marked International Women’s Day, and with all the good vibes regarding women’s independence, I decided to put together a short blog highlighting how far women still have to go.

Being a woman means that you stand up for equality, so don’t start branding strong women as ‘feminists’ as it’s just basic human rights.

I recently saw this piece of viral media which sparked a few discussions up and down my newsfeed and in the news also:

This advert by the Salvation Army highlights the importance of noticing and treating women’s domestic abuse. Many of you will have seen the ‘dress’ experiment which determined your mood by the way you saw the colours in the dress, ‘white and gold’ or ‘blue and black’. However, cleverly and powerfully, the image was replicated with the tagline, “Why is it so hard to see black and blue?”, followed by, “The only illusion is if you think it was her choice. One in six women are victims of abuse. Stop abuse against women.”

Despite celebrating the long forgotten victories of the Suffragettes yesterday, many also forgot how far women still have to go to fight for their right to equality. On average two women a week are killed by a violent partner or ex-partner in the UK alone and three million women and girls across the UK experience rape, domestic violence, stalking, or other violence each year. In 2011 alone, the Forced Marriage Unit advised over 1,450 people related to a possible forced marriage, 78% of whom were women and girls. And, most disgustingly, an estimated 66,000 women in England and Wales in 2001 had been subject to Female Genital Mutilation (FGM) and at least 24,000 girls were at risk of FGM in 2007. This is not acceptable, and together, we need to put a stop to it.

I was in London this week, further celebrating my rights to be a woman by paying for drinks, meals and various gifts, in doing so I was independently spending money that I have… wait for it… independently earned. Whilst walking down Oxford Street, I bumped into the annual women’s one million walk, advocates of the women fighting for true equality:

I found this very fitting with the advert placed at the top, and was very supportive with their chanting for women’s equality. However, in reality, this protest shouldn’t even need to happen (if everything was fair…)

Neither would these products have to be developed:

1. AR Wear (Anti-Rape pants)

Innovative beyond compare, but can you believe in the 21st century, these even need to be made? Well, given that 36% of people believe that a woman should be held wholly or partly responsible for being sexually assaulted or raped if she was drunk and 26% believe this if she was in public wearing sexy or revealing clothes – perhaps these pants really are relevant!?! And can you believe this:

1 in 5 people think it would be acceptable in certain circumstances for a man to hit or slap his female partner in response to her being dressed in sexy or revealing clothing in public.

Only 77% of young men agree that having sex with someone who has said no is rape

What kind of world do we live in?

2. Nail Varnish that detects date rape drugs (Undercover Colours)

Unfortunately, it’s not uncommon for those more malicious individuals to practice slipping drugs into someone’s drink in order to either hurt the person (for fun, I must presume) or to sexually assault them while they can’t consent. Now women can test their drinks before taking a potentially drugged sip just by dipping their neatly manicured finger in it. However most notably, critics of the new nail varnish range named ‘Undercover Colours’ say that not only is this nail varnish putting the burden on women but it is detracting from the real issue of sexual violence and assault.

However, it must also be recognised how far women have come in terms of fashion, and the company I am currently writing for ‘Garment Quarter’ are real advocates of supporting female designers with supplying their SS15 ranges. With designers like Vivienne Westwood, Victoria Beckham, Versace, Anya Hindmarch and Mary Katrantzou – the women are taking enormous steps in the fashion world, let’s just hope it never gets to point where we get high – end designer date – rape pants, and Louboutin switches his couture nail varnishes for date rape detector colours!

Ladies and gentlemen, the battle is far from over. We need to fight harder and longer for equal rights for women, otherwise I fear for the future of our female children.

You can start by signing Grazia’s petition to close the pay gap between men and women: https://you.38degrees.org.uk/petitions/put-equal-pay-transparency-into-practice?bucket=grazia

Let’s change the rules of the game – Behind every powerful woman is a man wishing he could be that god damn fabulous!!

MNSFL XOX

MY NOT SO FAIR LADY

Tag Archives: Lifestyle

Realisation

Sadomasochist’s of Love 2: A Contradiction

Uninspired and Disinterested

“I’d Rather be a Rebel than a Slave”

Are we as humans becoming Sadomasochists of Love?

Is Lagerfeld misinformed about the modern woman?

Perspective

A Sense of Place

10 Ways to Spring Clean your Life

Behind every strong man is a powerful woman