Nov

Sadomasochist’s of Love 2: A Contradiction

The same reason I love train journeys happens to be the same reason I resent them. Staring out at the English countryside resonates feelings of imminent alienation from the norm of the hustle and bustle of city life.

After spending a hefty ten days in the North at my family home, I have finally rested and recovered from my pain-inducing writer’s block (or so I hope!)

Although you’re reading this post typed, it was actually written traditionally with pen and paper as I always find that ink has a weird way of opening your minds and freeing your emotions – far easier than staring at a backlit screen.

I revelled in some great feedback regarding my first post on whether we are sadomasochists of love and as many of you agreed, we are leaning that way. Now I wanted to add to my initial thoughts as a way of comprehending recent developments and in hope of putting any current negativity to bed – once and for all.

A friend of mine always creates a game out of my posts and tries to guess who each piece is aimed toward; but, I wanted to make it clear that although my work is placed on life experience, this is a neutral post about coping no more.

I sit here and wonder how many times the words “I can’t do this anymore” have been relayed to me. And how many occasions my heart has seemed to collapse into my stomach. Any of you will know the sick feeling you get when you hopelessly can do no more. This emotion can be explained by a sense of pain but in actual fact, the pain which has ensued is coming to an end. You’re saving yourself from the inevitable. It’s an act of emotional survival not self-deprecation.

I’m always cursed with being called “heartless”, “cold”, and “uncaring” but anyone who truly knows me will see that a facade can make you believe a 1000-wrong things – after all, your wall is there for a reason. I am in actual fact (and this is hard to admit), the biggest worrier out of al my friends. Someone will say something and I’ll still be dwelling over it weeks later – another form of Sadomasochism.

One of my flaws however is definitely my inability to not carry baggage. Over a recent family dispute, my parents shouted, “If you have a problem in your personal life – although you don’t talk about it, everyone will know!” Not only does this show how easily I feel pain but also how ready I am to accept and hone that pain for longer than needs necessary.

But I want to contradict my previous argument and state that if we were all sadomasochists of love, we wouldn’t ever reach the conclusion that enough may actually be enough. A rational voice of maturity steps in at some point and states the deadly words “I can’t do this anymore” (we’re all guilty of saying it!). Maybe we shouldn’t feel guilty but empowered as although initialy life feels tough, you’re protecting yourself and your emotions from any longterm pain.

The amount of times recently I’ve heard myself say – “Yeah but what if we’re supposed to be together”, “what if it’s our only chance?” Rule number 1 of letting go – stop the what if’s – because if it was supposed to work out, it should have. You’re just becoming a slave to the chaos and accepting familiar grief over new and changing alone-ness (note: NOT loneliness).

I think the hardest part to letting go is the case of forgetting familiarity and actually you crave the pain far easier than accepting the change. This is a weak characteristic of human nature. One which should be eradicated instead of championed through Hollywood romance – news flash, you don’t wallow in self pity then remarkably become okay and the love of your life finds you again (… unless you’re lucky).

In Italy, on my travels this summer, I met a New York – Italian named Alfie and a guy from Napoli called Pepe. They were chalk and cheese but the uniting factor of their friendship was their ability to spot drama 100 miles away and run in the opposite direction. Pepe had recently left his wife and moved from their relatively new family home in Paris back to find his heart in Naples. One evening, over too many cocktails and hash in Shanti Musik Bar (Naples), he said to me:

“I love that woman (his wife) with all my heart but my heart itself is too precious to be with one person so instead it lies with every single person who lives here in Naples. Naples is my heart.”

A location doesn’t have to be your heart, but your heart needs a purpose to live longer, laugh harder and love more (or again).

Alfie on the other hand was just the right amount of beautiful to make you turn pink and the right amount of charming to make your heart melt. At 42, he showed the youth and vitality of a schoolboy in “love” for the first time. He told me,

“Your stare is too powerful to be bothered by love, isn’t it? You’ve got too much going on behind your eyes to be tied down. You probably won’t understand this yet, but you will.”

Alfie had never given his heart to anyone, he refused to allow any person the right to dictate his life. Trading in love for sex doesn’t always seem right but if his smile was fake, he sure fooled me.

Alfie and Pepe were perhaps two of the most special and inspiring people I will ever meet and even if our time together was brief, their words will be imprinted on my memory forever.

I don’t know how I feel in this current moment leaving yet another “love” behind but I know how I want to feel and that’s happy and empowered. You can’t blame yourself for things going wrong and you can’t punish yourself with wild emotions. It’s all too easy to fall into a life of pain without someone physically putting you there. And what’s more, there’s too much pressure on us to fall in love with somebody else – why not fall in love with yourself first? –

How fabulous would it be to give Samantha Jones’ line of –

“I love you. I just love me more”

Instead of the old, “I can’t do this anymore”.

If we were all sadomasochists of love, we’d never let go of things not right for us and then there’d be no one worth aspiring to. Life is the greatest lesson of all and right now, I’m going to make the love and pain wait.

Oct

Uninspired and Disinterested

It’s not like me to have nothing to say, or zero inspiration behind writing any posts. And, in all honesty, it really is the greatest punishment for a writer to experience writer’s block at such an important time of the year. Yet I sit here deflated and disinterested in writing about anything I’ve been doing recently – including the brilliant Louis Vuitton Series 3 Exhibition, the stunning Freize London Art Fair, and the disappointing Mademoiselle Prive Exhibition currently at the Saatchi Gallery. Although I’ve passed a justified opinion on all the events, I still remain faced with a hypothetical shadow of impending darkness – keeping me from seeing the light and writing!

I think I can lay part of the blame on the difficult and incredibly stressful few weeks which have come to characterise my life in London. Spending hours rushing about in uncomfortable shoes, letting tubes pass by the dozen in a hurried morning commute, and having seriously bad skin from the big cloud of pollution which both harrows my life and London town.

“London is the loneliest city”

And to that – I must agree. I sit here typing alone in my living room with the fire for warmth and the TV for conversation – a materialistic answer to friendship and love. Yet, at this point in my life, I see no alternative. It is ridiculous that I am now at an age where it is commonplace to watch my friends become engaged, get married, have children or buy their first houses. I sit here with 50 pairs of fabulous shoes, a stockpile of work and a hefty credit card bill (…and my fire and TV!).

So I wondered whether my disinterested aura can be related to this complicated, unsettling time of my life. And to further that, is my writing suffering from being caught in a realm of ‘No man’s land’?

I was recently told that I’m the most “heartless person” someone has ever met – claiming that I’m cold and ungrateful toward people who “love me and care for me the most” – except, after overthinking these allegations, I conclude that quite often it’s important for us as writers to keep that straight-laced, distant mind-frame from stopping us longing for the same future as everyone around us. Because, in today’s society, it really does seem to be a choice – Family or Career?

A close friend, whom I visited at the weekend, remarked, “Don’t worry about that Pheebs – you’re a career woman!” Why does that feel like such a punishment?

I don’t have time to pander to people who don’t support me during this time, and I refuse to panic about what the future of love and life holds for me, because I’m swamped by tons of work and meetings, and drowning in this sea of no-inspiration. To be quite frank, the whole “family vs. career” feels self-deprecating – yet impossible for me to juggle both.

I’ve experienced hurt and heartbreak, and in a McQueen fashion, it helped my writing 10-fold, except despite claiming we are all sadomasochists of love, I refuse to be a sadomasochist of avoidable pain so right now, I have to prioritise my life decisions and allow other worries to live and let be.

I’m struggling to find the right words for any post, and this one has been one of my hardest – I need the inspiration behind my posts to get creative, and lately a mixture of the wrong people and wasted time has left me uninspired and disinterested…

Aug

Is Lagerfeld misinformed about the modern woman?

After sneakily forcing my mother to buy me the new, and quite overly-priced, Porter (Fall edition) magazine, I stumbled across the fiftieth piece covering Lagerfeld and his celebratory 50 years as the creative director of Fendi. The octogenarian is quoted to have a “timeless modern appeal” but I worry that too many years designing has caused him to be misinformed about the qualities of a modern woman?

Now, firstly, I want to clarify that I am in no way suggesting I know more about fashion or women’s appeal than Karl himself, having been the creative director of Fendi and Chanel, plus his own household name – except, a quote by the man himself actually startled and paused my open-minded outlook and made me instantly jump to write this blog piece.

(Page 103) of Porter magazine:

“Don’t be a victim. You can be sweet and nice, but don’t be weak. Otherwise you become a stupid victim. I prefer toughness to girlieness. The Fendi woman is strong and modern, she is no romantic.” – Karl Lagerfeld

I would like to suggest that I believe the fashion God himself, is incorrect. What resonates most strongly in the quotation, for me, is how he too simply dismisses the very idea that a strong and modern woman could ever be romantic. I guess the very same question Carrie Bradshaw asks in one of her Sex columns, “Has feminism killed romance?” in the 1994 series has come back around 21 years later with strong modern connotations.

Being a feminist myself, and even recently turning down a high-salary job in Dubai due to the country’s lack of women’s rights, I would beg to differ with both Lagerfeld and Bradshaw, and suggest that feminism would never kill romance, because feminism hasn’t changed femininity.

When a woman becomes a mother, she instantly goes from being her own person to her own person plus the child – she adapts and develops into a two-sided coin – needing to be herself, plus the brain of another human. In theory, the mother becomes alpha. Whenever a woman is offered a high-paying job or senior position, she is then in charge of the many numerous men and women below her – again, in practicality, she is alpha. The same goes for women in leadership positions worldwide – from care-workers to fashion designers – no matter what her career or lifestyle, she is alpha of her own destiny. Do those women, celebrating their own personal successes, not deserve romance? Instead they must be strong and modern, but “never ever be romantic”?

That makes it seem like a woman must choose by ultimatum, like the Genie asks you from Aladdin, except you get only one wish out of two choices;

So – what’s it gonna be Al, huh? Love or Money?

Why can’t it be both?

Because modernity says so.

If that’s the case, I’m not so sure I want to be a modern woman. See – I’m a sucker for love stories, hearing about first dates, chivalry, love songs, poetry, opera, musicals, ballet – the whole traditional ‘love’ scene, and I’d be lying if I said I didn’t look for love myself. In fact, I think that’s what makes me a modern woman – unlike in the olden days (as I’ve come to know through films), women are proactively taking that leap of faith and searching for love themselves. Whether it be through dating sites, or making wedding proposals, or being the breadwinner of the family – they aren’t waiting anymore for a guy to approach them whilst they are sat alone at a bar, nor are they expecting the man to do so. Surely the “strength” and “toughness” of a woman in love nowadays is the same very essence that makes her “modern” in the first place.

I can only imagine the amount of broken hearts my readers have experienced, or the shabby first dates, or the nerve-racking “taking him home to your family only for them not to like him” – but, believe me when I say that doesn’t make you a “stupid victim” – it merely makes you a woman. And what Lagerfeld is doing is stripping a woman of all her feminine-like qualities and reducing her to a level unfathomable to any person who actually wants love in their life, and to be loved.

Of all the things to fall ‘victim’ to in today’s increasingly feeble world, being a ‘victim’ of love doesn’t make you any less of a modern woman, in fact it makes you more. Because, every single day you wake up feeling like it’s the end of the world, you’re fifty times stronger than any other woman who has never taken that romantic leap in the first place.

I am girly, but I am strong and modern, and what’s more – I’m proud to say I am a romantic. Does that not make me a Fendi woman, Karl? Then so be it.

My Not So Fair Lady xox

Aug

No explorations are ever wasted

I can’t believe I’m sat here typing on my laptop – no longer my phone – and laying in my bed at home in England. Time has flown since I returned to the U.K from our bijoux beach house in Sicily and I couldn’t look back more fondly on my month in Italia. But, I must admit – it is brilliant to be typing on a keyboard again and not squinting trying to figure out the WordPress app – so every cloud!

I wanted to put a short piece together to expand upon my lessons learnt and exploration gained from my time away. However, I thought I’d start with being more precise to Italy, rather than to life, to keep in tone with my usual writing style (firstly, free flowing and then profundity).

Here is the list I scribbled down when moving from place to place:

Italians have no concept of time – and this could however be down to the fact that wherever you go, whether it be a church or a free standing clock face – it never tells the correct time! And they aren’t all in unison either – they all tell different variations of the wrong time. You can be walking down a street and believe it to be 13:30 but when you see the time next, 5 minutes later, it reads 21:00. Tip: Always know the time.
Italians have zero spacial awareness and it is not uncommon for someone to walk into you or just not move when they see you’re struggling with a heavy suitcase on the cobbled sidewalk. Expect no more and no less. You are somehow in their way even when they are stood still.
When Italian men (in my case, of course) say “Ciao Bella” – it isn’t creepy. It does not equate to the same scenario as when white van men slow down to beep rhythmically until you turn around/ look with a red face to see them wink at you and drive away. I won’t mention the other catchphrases that such humans can come out with.
Italian women are quite straight-laced. The polar opposite to the men. They seem to be less humble and less friendly than even the Eastern Europeans/ Asians. They keep to themselves and don’t understand why you’re touring their part of the world.
Rome breeds crazy people. One day, having lunch, a man was laying face down on the cold road just screaming and singing to himself. He didn’t appear homeless, or starving – but perhaps, just drunk and with heat exhaustion. He carried on this way for a few hours, disappearing somewhere every now and again – only to return with the same tune and plonk himself down in the same place, to continue his plank.
The doors in Italy take Albert Einstein to work out – we couldn’t believe how retarded we felt every single time we went anywhere. We had to get the homeowners or their friends to show us again and again how to open and close the doors. It was worse mainly in Milan but there was no exception anywhere. Either we grew stupider with every bite of pizza, or the doors really do take a rocket scientist to work out – we still aren’t sure.
Wherever you go, you will find a friend.

I know these were all silly remarks but they really are what spring to mind whenever I look over the key points of my time there – and for those going to Italy, it might be good to keep in mind. WEAR A WATCH!

However, these are obviously not the only things I learnt whilst away. My greatest lesson was that: No explorations are ever wasted.

Whether you are a Jetsetter or a home-bird, I urge you at some time in your life to truly spend a lengthy amount of time in any foreign country and force yourself to adapt to their culture, try and learn their language, and eat/drink like a local. It really does change your perspective on how best to live your life. However, in my case, I know that eating carbs 3x a day only leads you to gaining 7lbs – not to a healthier, fitter me! But you get the general idea.

Secondly, in a form of maddening brilliance, you begin to accept others for who they are and know you’re never alone. It is quite easy to feel lonely when faced with large decisions or going through a tough time, but exploring new places gives you the kind of ease that makes you feel completely at one with yourself. It allows you to go outside of your comfort zone, and away from a bubble, and into the wide world – where people function, exist and live day – in, day – out. There is more to life than your country and habits – in fact, there’s a lot LOT more. And accepting that is a great way to keep focused but open-minded.

And lastly, Italy brought me back to life. Along with the previous two points, it showed me who I was again, which was easily lost in the emotional stress and turmoil of the past few months. I returned knowing exactly what qualities I have honed, and appreciating wholeheartedly the love, respect and intelligence of every friend I made out there. I obviously fell in love several times over (not just with the Italian men), and I ate to my hearts content – without any reservation or thought about my intake. I lived exactly how we are supposed to live as God’s creatures – carefree and happy to be exploring. It brought life back to my veins and heated cold bones.

It showed me what it means to feel completely comfortable with yourself and your surroundings and allowed me to relax in the thought of the future and the excitement it can bring. Even though, now I’ve returned, I’m being faced with some pretty hefty questions regarding where to take my future and whether to move abroad and work or to stay in London and study – I am grateful to have those few months of exploration, which will never be wasted. I’ve explored Italy and myself for a solid month – and I have found that life is most beautiful when we have to say goodbye. Because saying goodbye, when it is honestly difficult to do so, shows us that we are blessed to have had that opportunity and experience in the first place. At the end of the day, and no matter the outcome, I assure you that no exploration will ever be wasted.

Welcome home My Not So Fair Lady!

XOX

Apr

10 Ways to Spring Clean your Life

After recently coming out of a 2 and a half year relationship and having the standard girl break down – crying ridiculously to laughing hysterically, from burning pictures to hugging his clothes (OK – that one was a lie!) I thought I’d put together a small post, mainly aimed at anyone looking to refresh their minds and wake up with a new outlook on life, here are my 10 ways to ‘spring clean’ your life.

1. Exercise and eat healthily

It’s very natural to feel cranky and down, and like the world won’t go on – but exercise, whether you like it or not, is perhaps one of the best forms of learning how to cope with stress! I like to focus my efforts on running (generally down the canals with no music – to take in the nature) and yoga (as studies have shown that yogi’s are more likely to solve issues quicker as the brain is trained to get into the various stretching positions).

Doing exercise also increases your metabolism, gets you in shape and releases those all important endorphins which gives you drive to keep going! You need to eat healthy to be healthy as you are what you eat after all! Stock up on lots of fruit and vegetables and give your body the detox it requires! Once you do this, you can start to heal and become the very best version of yourself.

This of course doesn’t mean “never indulge” as writing this now, I am munching away on a creme egg – it’s important to create a balance your body needs to heal and refresh.

2. Learn how to say “No”

It’s not a crime to say “no” – even if you don’t have anything better to do! I think we live in a demanding world nowadays which mostly requires us to be adaptable and say “yes” to almost anyone and everything! So when you have the conscious choice, decide if you REALLY want to do something and if you don’t, just say…

3. Take some time out for YOU

So if you’ve been brave enough to take the plunge and say “no” – how about you take some time out for YOU? And what you want to do – not what others want you to do! When in a relationship, you learn to live together and be inseparable constantly, by doing this, we lose a sense of who we are what we bring to the table. By forgetting these simple things, we start to lose a sense of who we are as individuals. This is most definitely one of the hardest ways to “spring clean” your life as you have to rediscover yourself and learn that being alone doesn’t mean you’re lonely.

Light some candles, take a bath, read a book, or just sit in tranquility. Learn what makes you YOU and learn to love it again.

4. Get Tidy!

If you haven’t already – spring clean your home or living space. Clear out the nostalgic memorabilia and throw away your old things that you’re just keeping because you’re a secret hoarder! Throw out the old magazines and organise your things efficiently. Getting organised is one of the best things to clear your mind. If you start working afresh, you will start thinking the same way – so take a deep breath, and throw that rubbish OUT!

Keep the fabulous fashion magazines of course! They don’t need to go unloved!!

5. Make time for your girlfriends

Last night, I went out with my closest girlfriend and some unlikely friends and had the best night in ages. It was refreshingly fabulous for us girls to be on the town – looking and feeling great with our wine jackets on! When you are so used to being with someone, you’re so used to being a two that you forget you’re a one – and you as a one, should have friends that you as a two don’t! So make time for those girlfriends, because you’ll be needing them even more when you least expect to!

It’s very important to get rid of any negative “friends” you have during this period, those that cause you stress or multiple drama, simply remove. Life is far too short to spend time catering for peoples needs who would never do the same visa versa. You know understand why people say “If you can count your friends on one hand – you’re lucky!’. Make space for new friendships and welcome people in readily – you never know what surprises they might bring!

6. Remove negative energy

There’s always going to be something wrong, someone breaking up, someone poorly, someone more poor etc… You need to remove the negative energy in your life otherwise you won’t have adequate room for the positive energy you need to be letting in! Readily accept new energy and make sure you’re exerting the right kind of energy to the right people! The world is just a giving and taking and lending of various energy – we as bodies and humans are just that!! So don’t allow too much negativity to take over – you don’t want to be that annoying friend who only ever talks about one thing! You’re far better than that.

7. Stop feeling sorry for yourself

I’m hugely guilty of this and it needs to stop! You’re going to be OKAY – there will be many broken hearts and fallen tears before the end of your time, so I suggest you just stop feeling sorry for yourself and think of the positive things which could come out this change in your life. This is interlinked hugely with the negative energy post. When we go through things in life, we can’t get down at every hurdle – the race would never end if we did. It’s time to get up and move on, with a happy approachable face.

8. Be YOU

I love this one – you need to learn to be YOU. No one else – if you want to have long green hair, wear turtle necks with Hunter wellies and a black bandana then go for it. No one should be judging! If the next day, you wake up and you want to have black short hair, wear ear piercings and call yourself Shania then that’s fine too. I think no one should be critical of how you want to be you – and if they are, then so what! We’ve removed all that negative energy anyway. It’s all about YOU from now on, so experiment and find out who you are and if it works, then great, and if it doesn’t, just change until it does!

9. Don’t be critical of the lives of others

And if you’re doing exactly what you’re doing – then remember that others are doing that too. If they want to go to the pub every weekend, or have seven wives, do drugs and go through mid-life crises’ then FINE. Who are we to judge anyway? Even if it’s part of human nature to do so. With your fresh mind and new outlook on life, you shouldn’t care about what other people are doing.

You don’t like who they are and what they do? Fine. Remove them from your life, but always remember, we must accept the differences in people and let them be.

Note: This does NOT imply that anyone cruel, manipulative or upsetting should be part of your life because “it’s who they are”. This ISNT who we are – this is an example of the type of energy we don’t want in our world because ultimately, this leads to self-destruction.

10. Let go.

OK so guys – this is the biggie. The ultimate deal breaker, the end of the spring clean of your life. This is the last hurdle, which naturally is much higher than any of the others. It requires letting go and closing the door on a huge part of your life. Whether you’ve gone through a personal tragedy, a loss of a loved one, or simply going through a break up – we have to learn to let go. When I speak about my break up, I always say, “but we were together for so long” and in essence, yes, except there’s plenty of things in our life that are going to go on for a long time, and if we never learn to let go – we will never know what’s waiting around the corner.

We need to accept the difficulties we face and the turmoil/upset which comes our way as a repercussion, but we do need to understand and value fate and what the future brings. So have a little cry, indulge in some Ben and Jerry’s, sit down and contemplate – but eventually – you will have to let go. And when it’s done, it’s done. You’re going to wish you did it a lot sooner.

Your WHOLE life awaits you… and remember…